Purpose....

Lot of people have asked me the question as to what is purpose of my life. Recently somebody rephrased it as what do you want to be famous for? I actually do not have an answer. But for the first time in my life I understand importance of this question.

To be of help to people (selfish me) is something I want to do. I have also imagined myself as a teacher for a long time. These have to come together at some point for me to fulfil my purpose of my life.

Felt like writing today and hence I am back on my computer. In recent times I have been thinking a lot about moving out of my job to pursue a Phd. It is something I feel like doing most and most people who know me understand that my commitment to my job (for which I get paid) is not 100%. Given this combination of circumstances one would think that I should be pursuing a Phd immediately as I should be moving from my current higher energy state to the next one. I have found this to be not necessarily true as circumstances around me and my mental make up has become such that I may not be able to do so. This seems to be a vicious cycle where I on daily basis have been stooping to new lows in my ability to put effort and that is taking me further away from what I can achieve. Recently, a friend of mine "V" alluded to the same that I am being dishonest with myself. For long I have told myself that it does not matter whether I pursue my interest in job as it is for money and Life is beyond this. But then what exactly is life and how would it span out is something no one can predict. I fully understand that my mind is using these lazy excuses for reasons I am not clear. On a separate note, I have always believed in the desire to keep people around me happy. I have struggled as at various points I have ended up hurting them and one of the sole desires of life is something I have not been able to stick to. 

Here is what I commit to (I guess commit is a strong word), I shall make effort to add knowledge back to myself and get back to a reasonable space of respect for myself (I have none right now) and I shall focus on being a better human being all across. I hope God gives me the strength to get there.

Its 01:00 AM on 7th of August and I am back on blog. Much has happened in life over last few months. Some of the most lovely moments. Even then some (few) not so lovely (forgettable) moments outweigh these lovely moments. Why? Don't know. This is how life is perhaps, we are never satisfied with what we have, we look for what we do not have.

Telangana is born in Andhra and of course there are others who are complaining. Sometime back I was wondering whether this would ever happen as not everyone can be kept happy. Well it has happened and certainly not everyone is happy. I am neither for it nor against it, just hoping that everyone finds their happiness in whatever they are seeking and remain satisfied.

Its been a long time since I have written on this Blog. I guess its Mid Life Crisis now, time to look at options/alternatives to make my time more meaningful. I also realize it is not enough to just want to make a difference, there is something else as well here. I wonder what that is? Hoping to crack it soon enough.

Its been a long time since I have written. I wonder why I continue to write on this blog. The only reason which keeps me driving to write once in a while is to exactly know How I felt in the past? Last month has been extremely busy and brought with it new challenges.

Everyone back home think I am a changed person and I believe that's not true at all. It it their perception of me which has changed which is based on an important decision I have taken in my life. Its rather funny in which people decide about you based on what you do at any point of time and all that you are or you stood for before that is ignored. Not that this bothers me.

Shifted to a new home, Love the new flat and the environment. A big reason for this is "S".

Managed to go to Udaipur, besides the Hotel in which I was in and some wonderful company I had nothing much to think about. I am not looking forward to the subsequent trips as well.

Also, before I sign off these days I have a sense of accomplishment and that's again because of S. Life seems different and special these days. Finally, I seem to have got all that I wanted and I really do not have any burning desires left. I always wondered If this will ever happen and it has happened and I am grateful to god for the same.

Vamsi..........

Demand but not Give...............

Another day in my life is about to get over. Got up at 02:30 AM (I could have slept for an hour more) for a flight at 0520 AM to Vizag but after having slept at 00:30 AM I did not want to take a chance. Was in a "official" dinner which was the reason I slept late which by itself is another story. I was a bit disturbed by the events but I decided to ignore. I realized I cannot take most of things which happen in my professional life seriously or else I would collapse. I get up and take an Auto to reach Airport. Sleep for an hour there and somehow manage to get into the flight. Get down in Vizag and I decided to take a city bus to Gajuwaka from where I was planning to take a bus to Kakinada. I came out of the airport to notice that City bus stop has been dismantled and I walked for about 3 KM before I reached the bus stop. I enjoyed my walk, had the company of this guy who was walking from a much longer distance as he did not have any money, given that it is second half of the month. He was ready to help carry my luggage, I thanked him and said I can manage. A car stopped to give me a lift but when I mentioned that I have this other person with me, he went away. I did not want to leave this guy and get into the car. We walked, we talked about mundane stuff on the road about construction, his money management etc (I do not remember anything except for difficult circumstances he was in and how cheerfully he managed the same) and finally he helped me get into this Auto which took me to bus stand for Kakinada. I helped him with twenty Rs (not that it means a lot) but hoping he will have a cup of tea. I got into the bus, was messaging S and suddenly slept off for 20 minutes or so. I woke up then and could not sleep thereafter. The bus stopped at the holy town of Annavaram and I got down. I was hungry then, I bought myself a small pack of Tutti Fruitty. I quite like it as I understand its dried Papaya. I also bought myself a pack of Kurkure as nothing else was available there. The bus started again and at around Pitaphuram, I bought myself a Grilled Corn. I loved it as usual and then I reached Kakinada. Spoke with S before getting down. Reached home, talked with my Aunts and had a sumptuous meal of lady finger curry, Green Leafy Vegetable based lentil preparation and "Mango Ginger". Mango Ginger when soaked in green chilles and Lemon juice as was served today is something I love. Somehow today I was not liking it, don't know why though? I slept off thereafter and woke up. Texted S and continued with chatting with my aunts. Finished dinner of Dosa and Buttermilk and here am I in front of my laptop.
One thing which intrigued me while I was in the bus was what would I do If I were at the same time in some other part of the world. There are so many worlds at the same time. I could be doing completely different things at the same time depending on the location. I thought of Kerala, USA, Bacheli, Bombay, Kolkata, delhi, Andhra, Hyderabad etc. There is so much happening around us in the whole world. There is a huge agitation going in and around Hyderabad for Telangana state (without going into the right & wrong of it) seems like a demand for something the people there want. Now we all want something but we have very little to give to others. The people in Telangana want statehood as they feel they are a deprived lot. I looked at their behavior and thought I am no different. I also demand my pound of flesh all the time without understanding where am I going to get it from. I seldom think of what I have to offer to the other person in question. It is not just a matter of material possessions but also emotional needs. I seldom think about giving as much as I do about asking/demanding on emotional requirements. Will this change? I wonder about the same. I want to but the pragmatist in me says it may not happen. Its interesting that between a mother and a kid this imbalance exists without any issues wherein the kid continuously demands and the mother gives as much as she can. Even here the mother get restricted If she has more than one kid as then she needs to make choices then. For Telangana to get resolved Indian State needs to have Telangana as her only kid which is not the case. I guess its only human to have these demands and live in this constant conflict.....

27th September 2011..........

The day started with me getting up after a lot of effort. That's usual, me getting up from my sleep is a challenge I face everyday. I reach office, spoke with Mom on the way. I reach office and the security guard asks me to show my identity card. I said I am not getting into the office and hence there is no need to show the same. He stuck on to the request and I became a bit restless. I show him the card and ask him to not waste time hereon. S called me at the same time and explained how wrong I was? While I was in Gym I continued to think about and concluded I was completely wrong. I came out to apologize to this guy and I realize he was not there. I felt terrible as here I was on the wrong side and I could not do my bit to apologize. The day continued with meetings, discussions and conversations with S.The morning incident with security guard taught me a zillion things. Trust I will find ways and means of improving myself.