Felt like writing today and hence I am back on my computer. In recent times I have been thinking a lot about moving out of my job to pursue a Phd. It is something I feel like doing most and most people who know me understand that my commitment to my job (for which I get paid) is not 100%. Given this combination of circumstances one would think that I should be pursuing a Phd immediately as I should be moving from my current higher energy state to the next one. I have found this to be not necessarily true as circumstances around me and my mental make up has become such that I may not be able to do so. This seems to be a vicious cycle where I on daily basis have been stooping to new lows in my ability to put effort and that is taking me further away from what I can achieve. Recently, a friend of mine "V" alluded to the same that I am being dishonest with myself. For long I have told myself that it does not matter whether I pursue my interest in job as it is for money and Life is beyond this. But then what exactly is life and how would it span out is something no one can predict. I fully understand that my mind is using these lazy excuses for reasons I am not clear. On a separate note, I have always believed in the desire to keep people around me happy. I have struggled as at various points I have ended up hurting them and one of the sole desires of life is something I have not been able to stick to. 

Here is what I commit to (I guess commit is a strong word), I shall make effort to add knowledge back to myself and get back to a reasonable space of respect for myself (I have none right now) and I shall focus on being a better human being all across. I hope God gives me the strength to get there.